Sometimes, I don't know if what I'm feeling is nostalgia, or I need to use the bathroom.

Portfolio Day at Rutgers 6 comments add
February 3, 2008 at 4:31 pm permalink

It was intimidating and scary.

When I arrived there at 9 AM, I filled out a form, and then went inside a room to pin up my portfolio on their walls. Of course, I had to pick the hardest wall -_-; It took forever! I was the last one to be done. Then.. I went on a tour in their art department. (K, I decided I want to get a Mac for graduation, hehe.) Later on, I separated myself from the group because I didn't want to tour around Rutgers (since I'm not applying there), so I just stayed in another room next to the gallery to eat the breakfast they served for us earlier. I peeked through a small glass window on the door, and I saw them critiquing mine. Already?! Oh man.. I almost peed myself. I was so nervous.. I kept wondering what they could be saying. I chugged down 3 cups of coffee. Yes, chugged. And kept eating.. and eating.. I was so worried and anxious. I kept waiting with the other students.. there were 20 of us who signed up. I'm number 12. THE NUMBER 12 LOOKS LIKE YOU.

They're emailing me their critiques. It may take a week. Or more.

I hate waiting.

Ehh.. I didn't expect it to be that way. There weren't any questions asked except if I applied in Rutgers. I said no, and that I only wanted feedback from their professional artists. Honestly, I preferred to be critiqued in my presence. Feedback is good; it will help me grow as an artist. Whether it may be painful or not, it will help me progress. Kna' means?

Now, all I have to do is wait.


"Waiting by the Tree" by Dianne Tan. 2007. Acrylic on 11" x 14" canvas.

Don't ask me how I'm doing. 2 comments add
February 2, 2008 at 2:06 am permalink

I'm not used to this.. single status. For a year, I've been with Meynard. But then, I messed up, and I can't make up for it. I still haven't forgiven myself--for hurting him. I'm tired of feeling this way, but it seems like it's the only thing I can do: Feel bad. I'd rather feel this way and see him happy with someone else. And.. he is "talking" to another girl. Second one actually--eversince we broke up about 2 months ago. Yes, jealousy has been my bestfriend, but it's understandable. Why shouldn't he move on? I fucked him up.

I fucked up.
Big fuckin time.

Sorry for the lack of better words and profanity use.

Nothing's new. I don't know if I should dream about the past, or just let it go. No, I've been trying to let go. Just give me time. Back to my time statement: they say time heals the wounds. A lot of things happend within the past months, weeks, then there's days. I can't catch up with time. It's moving too fast. But at the same time, time is not moving fast enough to heal my wounds. Well, he's getting there already..

I need to start waking up again.

I did, for a week. For a week, I finally felt "nothing." I was empty. I've always thought people were dumb for saying "I feel empty" because if they did feel empty, then you shouldn't feel anything at all, and yet they say they're feeling this..emptiness. Yeah.. that was when it got to a point my family got involved to my problem, and my mother slapped me back into reality.. literally. I needed that.

However, I think I need another one. Not from her though. Eversince she found out what Mey and I were going through, she's been giving me hell. She just makes things worse for me by calling me a "slut." Thanks, mother dearest.

But then.. things just.. went back to the way it was. We were fine being "friends," but then, the subject of what happend came up once more. Why must you remind me of my mistakes? I've been sorry. And I'm still sorry. I'll always be.


Meynard, I know you're reading this.


I still love you. Very, very much.
And you know this.
I wish that you and I would----No.





I wish you to be happy. With or without me.

Running in circles, it's tiring. 2 comments add
January 5, 2008 at 6:34 am permalink

Time. For some reason, it’s going too fast. I can’t keep up with it. A lot of shit happened within the past 3 weeks, especially just days ago. They say time will heal wounds. Yeah? I hope so. But it’s not going fast enough to heal him or me. I’m really, really tired of caring and loving. I don’t want to stop, but I have to. I messed up. I fucked up. He said he has forgiven me, yet I still can’t forgive myself. I live every day just to hope something or someone would save me from this. Late at night, I can’t sleep. I have to think—about this. There’s nothing to think about, what’s done is done. It’s been decided to “stay friends for now, let’s see what happens.” But I keep thinking of the past. Of what we were, of what I did, and then now. Everything’s crushing me. It’s crushing him, but I think he’s doing better than I am. I don’t know. My chest feels so heavy. My thoughts are running 50 mph, so is time, but not fast enough to heal his wounds or mine. I just keep falling apart. I’m not picking the pieces up. I’ve been wanting to, but it’s so hard. I try, but then the pieces fall again as if like there’s not enough adhesive to put them all together. What am I talking about.. There isn’t any adhesive. I can’t do it by myself. I need someone. I need him. But I can’t have him anymore. I can’t. I know he says he still loves me. He still does, despite all what I’ve done. I still love him. But it hurts. I hurt him so much. It fucking hurts. I was fucking stupid as hell. I’m regretting. I just keep regretting. Disappointment and regret. I can’t stop. I’ve been blowing up, but there are always more things to blow up. I just won’t empty out. I want him to be happy. He deserves someone who will take care of him. I can take care of him again—better than before. But I can’t because I know that I will not be given another chance. I just know. He has given me too many. But I need this. No... no chances for me to be with him again. But I’m still here waiting, hoping something good will happen. But when I say that, he will say, “we’re friends now. Better than nothing.” We still know that we love each other. It’s not enough. It just prolongs things. Anticipation.. hope is killing me. It’s as if I’m just waiting for him to move on with someone else, and not come back to me even though I want him to be with me again. But I can’t be selfish. I need to let go. I HAVE to let go. Someone help me. Mey, help me. I don’t know. I’d be sad if you help me let go of you... Really, really sad. Depressed more than I've been. It’s not gong to make things better. I’ll always be sorry as long as I don’t forgive myself, and that's not happening anytime soon. I need to suffer. If I can't be with you anymore, I must suffer for you—it's the only way to compensate for what I've done. Please, stay with me.

 

 

*Sorry if it's a bit convoluted, but it's how I've been thinking.

There shouldn't be any pauses reading this, even if there's periods.

Senior Year. 2 comments add
September 7, 2007 at 12:45 am permalink

My first day of my senior year was amazing, mostly because of my sweet schedule!

Period__Subject (1st/2nd sem)
1______Famous People/Wed Design
2______Studio Crafts H
3______Studio Art H
4-5 ____Comp. Graphics & Digital Photo.
6-7 ____English 4A
8______Lunch
9-10 ___Astronomy/Zoology
11_____Mass Comm. 3
12_____Health/Gym

NO MATH & LANGUAGE!

Tomorrow is the first football game of the season. I'm pretty excited! I heard the team is better than from the previous years. Besides that, it's the band's first half-time show! Well, my last first half-time show, haha. The rookies are probably going to crap their pants tomorrow night. Nyahaha >D

Random: John Crapper invented the porcelain toilet bowl. Hence, the word "crap" originated from.

Yeah.. I learned that useless info from my Health teacher.

Err ^^;; 3 comments add
August 27, 2007 at 3:17 am permalink

Although a lot of things happend just last night.

I think.. anybody saw this coming:
Meynard and I are going out again.

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